[tmtranscripts] Re: [heartandmind] New CDA Class session #6

[ZooidODell at aol.com]

In a message dated 01/15/2000 6:38:56 PM Eastern Standard Time, 
cwithin at cet.cet.com writes:

<<  So it is a necessary step to grieve until there are 
 no more grief feelings; no more tears; for then you have opened up the 
 space to receive your Father’s Love to have what you call “a new lease on 
 life.”  This will be a challenging assignment and I would encourage you 
 to share your experiences on your new (computer) list.  That is all for 
 now.  >>

When I grew up I was the cheerful one, the strong one; that developed into a 
PollyAnna, a Holly Go-lightly.  My griefs (feelings) were secondary, not 
important.  I stuffed my griefs.  All my life I did this.  I did not grieve 
because in grieving I would have to fully acknowledge the injustices and the 
losses and the abandonment and the selfishness and the ugly, mean, hurtful, 
cruel and inhumane aspects of the human condition.  Who wants to admit that?  
If it exists out there, it must also exist in me, I must deserve it, and I 
don't want to see that.  Therefore I will separate myself from the human 
condition.  I'll be beside myself. I'll be above those mere mortal feelings.  
    R-i-g-h-t.
    Thus, when the time came, when the grief process came upon me, (-- all 
the griefs that I had not expressed or acknowledged or felt since the 
beginning --) I realized it would be a long time before I saw a light at the 
end of the tunnel.  It took literally years.  (They say only a Scorpio can 
lift pain up to a high art!)   What I eventually learned through the process 
was that I loved my grief.  I hugged it to me.  I delighted in it.  And when 
I could see that I was enjoying my grief, I was able to let it go.    
    Now when I have something to grieve (a loss of some kind, an alteration 
in the way I have become comfortable or secure), I allow myself the luxury of 
really feeling the loss, for in feeling the loss, I AM reflecting the ideal, 
and reflecting the ideal is a form of prayer.   Thus, when I grieve now I put 
on appropriate music and allow myself to  become really melancholy.  A carafe 
of hot tea, a floor length skirt, a rainy day.  These are my days I try to 
savor such things as grief.  
    Genuine grief is poignant, and I have great respect for people who appear 
to know how to do it well and get it over with, but I don't enjoy being 
around people who are wallowing in their grief, as I did.  Not fit company at 
all.  Intent upon isolation.   A quagmire of self-pity isn't a healthy 
environment for a recovering fool like me.  
    Thanks for letting me share.
    Gerdean