Pocatello Transcript 4-10-98

[Bill Kelly]

4-10-98

Business & Sharing
Opening Prayer

Daniel (Pam):  "Hello, my friends, this is Daniel.  How delighted I am to be
here tonight.  How delighted I am to see the new and the old faces, old
friends who are very comfortable, who we have grown to love and rely on, and
new faces who we look to for new energy, a new outlook, a different
perspective, for our growth, because each new person brings something that
no one else can.  We treasure every individual.  We support everyone. You
are all loved.  You are all God's children.  

I am delighted to be here with this reunion and sending off of two of your
group to another land.  Such courage you have all shown.  You take your
missions very seriously.  You have shown courage that we are delighted and
in awe of.  The growth, while maybe imperceptible to you, appears to be in
leaps and bounds to us; and we give you our love and our respect.  We wish
to convey to you our joy.  We are working with you.  We go with you,
hand-in-hand.  You are not alone; you are never alone.  I will now let
someone else speak."

Iruka:(Bill): "My greetings to you; I am Iruka.  It is my sincerest pleasure
to join Daniel, Minearisa, Ham and others in this significant reunion on the
day of remembrance of Lord Michael's surrendering his mortal life into the
hands of his Father.  While every day is significant, every moment is a gift
of God, it is appropriate for there to be special times together in
remembrance of great spiritual truth and especially the life and teachings
of Christ Michael.

It is my intent in the next few moments to focus your attention upon the
magnificent life that our Master led while he sojourned among us.  Remember
that he lived on this planet, but he lived for all the mortals, angels and
others on every sphere in his magnificent universe of Nebadon.  While you
read of his life on the pages of a book, we actually were clustered around
the space broadcasts, some of us, while others of us had our knowledge
regarding his life conveyed to us with other means.  

Those people who actually were present to see Jesus expire on that horrible
instrument of torture could not grasp the significance of the event.  They
were devastated.  Their hopes for the Kingdom had been crushed, and they
were hanging on to their connection with our Master from almost total human
bonding.  Their spiritual bankruptcy was profound.  

Jesus himself overcame his struggle with his human nature, for the agony of
that tortured death was clear to him before hand.  He had no desire to die
as a martyr, let alone die as a criminal.  But his Father, our Father,
convinced him that it was the right thing to do, to submit to the forces
which surrounded him.  His Father, our Father, told him that He approved of
his drinking of the cup to the fullest, for in that experience Michael of
Nebadon has achieved experiential triumph over the most excruciating of
mortal experiences.  Henceforth he knows fully, completely, and without
reservation all the depths of agony that it is possible for mortals to
experience.  

At this point I will conclude my remarks with this final thought.  As you
look at Jesus on his cross, do not look with the eyes of his contemporaries
who saw him as a failure, as defeated, but see the fullness of God and man
united in supreme obedience and voluntary submission to the greatest
evolutionary growth experience that was possible in experiencing mortal death. 

There is now another who is to continue our interaction tonight.  One moment
please."

Aaron (Cathy): "Good evening, dear friends, this is Aaron.  My, what a
lovely group we have tonight.  Would you be willing to experiment with me
for a moment, with some interaction?"

Ken: "Yes.  (group laughter)"

Aaron:  "My question for you all tonight is to describe that situation,
whether actually experienced or imagined, which engenders the most fear in
your hearts.  And those of you who wish to share this scenario, I encourage
you to do so.  Take as much time as you need."

Ralph:  "What I'm afraid of is sharing these kinds of things with my wife.
I know that for me to move toward Heavenly Father, there's things that I
need to let go; and so I'm attempting to open my mind to other ways of
learning, and opening my mind that anything that I think may be limiting me
right now.  When I talk to my wife about these kind of things, and what I
think, and what my spirit tells me, and what I feel is right, I'm afraid
that she'll make fun of me for 'opening my mind so much that my brains fall
out', as they say.  And my ego doesn't like to be ridiculed and laughed at,
so I lie to my wife.  I don't tell her the whole truth about where I'm
going, what I'm doing, who I'm talking to, who's calling me on the phone,
because I'm afraid.  And it stems from my fear of my mother.  And I see some
of the same traits.  And something's telling me right now that it's OK, that
she's growing too, to be patient.  Anyway, that's what I'm afraid of."

Virginia:  "Ralph, I really appreciate what you just said, because I was
sitting here saying the most fearful thing in the world to me is to be
ridiculed.  And, of course, in the book it says that was Judas' biggest
problem, and so not only do I have that fear of being ridiculed, but I also
feel guilty that I sound just like Judas.  You know, to have someone laugh
at you and your values is just an incredibly difficult thing for me, and
this group has heard only too often that I am most honest with this group.
And so, I think my greatest fear, emotionally, is to be laughed at.  

I immediately reflected on what Gwen said about risk.  That is was no risk
to her to telemark down a 40 degree mountain.  And I'm saying, 'my gosh, am
I terrified of that.  Give me a nice slope to enjoy, and let me hear the
birds, but don't ask me to telemark down a 40 degree slop.'  So there are
certain fears that immediately come up into my mind.  I don't think a broken
bone would kill me, but the thought of it is something I'm definitely afraid
of.  So emotionally and physically that would be where I am.  Spiritually, I
used to fear that I wouldn't be good enough for God.  And I'm just so very
grateful that fear is gone.  God accepts me and I'm just very grateful.  So
I guess that's all."

Steve: "There's any number of things that could run through my head right
now on all this.  But I think one of the big issues with me right now --
we've talked about it before -- that if you don't take risks you don't grow;
if you take risks you're in danger of being hurt.  And I think one of the
big things that I fear is going through what I've gone through already.  Of
taking that risk that I knew of 26 years ago, that at the time we didn't
even know if we'd make it 26 years.  I knew that at the very beginning; I
was told that by the doctors.  And that was something that I had to
understand before she would let me marry her.  I accepted that.  And we'd
set a goal to make it forever.  And what I fear now, is that I've suffered
that loss, I hit bottom, I had the letter written, ready to leave, and then
another fear popped up.  Where in the hell am I going to end up?  Because I
had the fear that if I left here, that everything we've been told about
going through the next steps, that I would not be worthy of moving up to
those steps and being with who I thought would be my soul mate the rest of
my life.  So that fear stepped in.  

The fear of taking risk, I know I need to take these risks to grow, and at
the same time, I'm taking these risks and they fall through for me, or I
have problems.  I don't know.  The fear is still there, and I don't know if
the fear is interfering with the risks I'm taking, so that the risks are
failing.  I think that fear can be a stumbling block in your progress, or
the learning, I don't know.  All I know is that it's there and I think
that's where I'm at -- the fear of going down to where I was before.  It's
not a pretty sight, I don't want to go there again, but the fear is still
there.  And the fear of also trying not to be there, is it going to work?
So, those are mine.  I've got more than one."

Barbara: "When you first asked the question, Aaron, I immediately knew the
answer, and then I sat here and tried to intellectualize it, and analyze it,
and do all of that stuff.  But, it's a repeat nightmare, a true nightmare
where I wake up in terror.  It has to do with trying to protect children, in
the nightmare, but trying to protect people that I feel I need to protect
from some danger, from being hurt, from being injured, from losing the path,
whatever, and I'm constantly, in the dream, in the nightmare, trying to
shepherd these children from whatever is chasing us, and trying to outrun
it, and outsmart it, and I usually wake up in a cold sweat and with the
sense of terror, you know, and all that goes with that.  I know where the
nightmare comes from; I think as a very young child, with very dysfunctional
parents, I decided that somebody had to be strong and somebody had to take
care of them.  And it's a misplaced sense of responsibility, I guess.  And I
watch my own children, and I watch them hurting, making mistakes that will
impact them for some amount of time and I stand by absolutely helpless
because I can't fix it.  So I think the fear that underlies it all, if I try
to reach down to the bottom, is fear of being powerless, and a fear of being
abandoned because I couldn't take care of people well enough.  It feels like
a very primitive kind of fear, but it's there right under the surface most
of the time.  Obviously it popped out tonight.  That's my fear."

Jason:  "When trying to think of my greatest fear, I've had quite a few
things roll through my head.  One was that something would happen to Brandy,
and then I would have to go through life without her.  And the latest one
that just popped into my head was the fear of not living up to the potential
that I know that I have within myself.  And it kind of goes along with when
you do something that you know is wrong, whether you have the fear to go
back and admit that you did something that was wrong, or that you have some
place that you know that you need to be in life, and to ... I'm always
afraid that I'm not going to have the courage to be able to get myself where
ever it is that I need to be.  

I have a lot of friends that I know exactly where they're going to be at in
50 years, and that scares me.  To just be able to plan out a life for 50
years is frightening for me.  I guess the biggest thing I feel that I need
to be able to do is to achieve and to grow.  It's kind of weird; I've
listened to some of the stories where people were kind of afraid of the
growth, and for me that's been a very key part of what I've had to do in my
life, to be true to who I am.  I really hope everybody gets over the fear of
that growth, because it's definitely not easy, it's definitely a scary place
to be.  But, I don't know, to me living a life without experience is just a
very frightening place.  And a lot of experiences are scary, like going to
Papua New Guinea.  I also look at the outcome of not growing, and that's
what kind of gets me through because the life without growth is even more
scary.  So that's what my biggest fear is, life without growth."

Gwen: "I could relate a lot to what Ralph and Virginia kind of touched upon,
as far as my fear.  My greatest fear has always been, I guess, it's ego
related.  I'm always so concerned and fear what people think of me.  In fact
this past week when I basically got fired from my job, I wasn't concerned
about where I was going to get my next job, where I was going to get the
money.  My biggest fear was what she thought of me, that she thought I was
insubordinate, that she thought I wasn't doing my job well, and wanting to
correct that, wanting to change the way she felt about me because I thought
it was wrong.  And so, I guess my biggest fear is ego-related, and it's all
connected to what people think about me.  And I wish, and like Jason said
too, that maybe the fear is not more what people think of me, but the fear
may be not keeping in touch with myself and existing on this planet for
everyone else, instead of myself, for example, and not constantly worrying
about what everyone else thinks and just going through life, in my
direction.  It's been very difficult for me to separate myself throughout my
whole life from wanting to do something to please someone else and doing
something that I want to do.  In fact that concept is almost foreign to me.
What do I want; that's really kind of the fear.  And I've grown a lot, as
all of us have, in the last five year, and since I've been here at the
Urantia group, and also a fear of not growing, and hoping that it continues
and constantly judging myself if I feel I'm slipping back into that old
world.  So, I guess I kind of share some similar fears with all of you.
Thank you."

Bill:  "What I'm afraid of ... I'm not sure this is my greatest fear, I
really can't weigh that and decide that, but one of the fears I have, at
least I can say that much, is the fear of losing my mind. (Laughter) [Ed.
note: Bill was wearing a t-shirt that said, 'Of all the things I've lost, I
miss my mind the most.]  Now it used to be a worry that I was actually going
to go psychotic, when I was a kid, late teens and so forth.  So I studied
psychology so I could figure all that stuff out, and that was a good thing
to do, because I actually figured out that I wasn't going nuts after all.
But mental illness is a real thing in my family of origin, so actually it
wasn't an unreasonable fear.  And now I think I'm more concerned about
losing my mind because of my age, symptoms of Alzheimer's, and being hard of
hearing, and that fear that when I'm transmitting I'm just making it up,
which is a fear that TRs have, I think, in general.  But it isn't ... 

The truth is that I'm not really possessed of great fear any more!  I used
to be a lot, but I truly am convinced that God loves me like He loves
everybody else.  And that's kind of the bottom line.  So I don't know if I
have a great fear, but I have things that I worry about, and I'm always told
to let go, let it go, don't worry about it.  Maybe the latest concern I have
inasmuch as I don't really enjoy pain day after day after day, and it's been
going on for almost two months, it would be a fear that it's going to last a
long time, like the rest of my life.  And I realize that there are a lot of
other people that experience that and cope with it and survive.  I'm not
spiritually afraid anymore.  I really have experienced pretty profound
forgiveness.  Oh, I'm still concerned with what people think of me, and I
wish I wasn't.  Maybe I can get past that some day.  That's enough."

Angie: "Well, major fears aren't much anymore.  I used to be afraid of being
alone, but since being alone 20 years, I don't mind it.  And pain, that is
going to be forever.  You just accept it.  I used to be afraid of dying but
since having the Urantia book I don't have that fear anymore, in fact, I
think I'm kind of looking forward to it.  As I grow older, the fears are
little things.  I'm afraid of falling; I afraid of meeting new people,
afraid of (inaudible), so I've got a lot of little fears now, that seem big
to me.  When I hear a loud noise outside it just absolutely petrifies me
because I've had a house broken into before, and it just scares me to death.
So my fears are all little ones now, but they're sure there."

Pam:  "I have often joked that I've been running through life afraid I'm
going to miss something, and so I've been enjoying, doing, seeing everything
I possibly could on the planet; and I don't have that fear any more.  Oh,
it's always fun to go do something new, and maybe, you know, a hot air
balloon ride would be fun, but it's OK now.  It's not like I'm going to miss
something.  Since I've been in a Urantia group I think my fear was that I
was going to miss this.  And, you know, that there was going to be something
I wasn't going to make it, and I have.  I've got it.  So there's nothing to
miss anymore.  I'm on track.  

And then there's the other things, the ridicule, and having people laugh at
you or make fun of you, but I'm very good at that, I've got a lot of these
sarcastic defenses and I can turn things into jokes and I can in turn be
very nasty back so I can defend myself.  And anymore, it's like those people
are in so much pain, and so when you do that you're not getting anywhere.
And so it's sort of like I'm tired.  I don't want to defend myself anymore;
it's not worth it.  And then there's the physical fears of pain, or of maybe
water is still a fear.  Flying used to be a fear.  And then we went to
Arkansas and flew back, that was a major healing of my fear of that.  And
speaking in groups like this was a major fear, and so I jokingly said, fine,
I'll speak in groups, I just don't want to see them.  So I TR with my eyes
closed so I don't have to see the people, and now I can actually talk with
my eyes open.  So, I don't stand up and give speeches, but I've come a long
way.  Maybe some day I'll do that too.  And like you say, a lot of the fears
are, if you think of yourself as this is a vehicle, like the pickup truck we
drove up in, it's a car, and when it gets old we'll get a new one.  And I'll
take care of it the best I can, but when it starts to go, you know, I know
there's another one somewhere waiting for me."

Ken:  "Greetings, my friends.  As usual, Aaron, you've put me on the spot.
As I listen to all these fears I see how much I have in common with
everybody.  There have been many articles in my washing machine this evening
going around, trying to decide what my major fear is.  And I guess my major
fear is my animal ego, not turning over to the Father, not letting me reach
the potential that the Mother has give us, that the Father has given us.  My
fear is not being able to stand up and express the Father's love, as I am
learning it, to be able to communicate, to be able to give my love to
everybody.  And I challenge my intellect to be able to do that; to be able
to really turn my trust over to the Father.  As I look back on the last six
years, I have grown, I have learned, I have learned how to love, I have
learned how to pray.  And I just pray now that I can learn to worship.
Thank you, my friends."

Aaron:  "Does anyone else desire to share?  (pause)  Please close you eyes
and visualize yourself standing in front of a full length mirror.  Take a
few moments with this."

Virginia:  "Naked or clothed?  (group laughter)"

Aaron: "Your choice! ... Look at yourself with purposeful honesty.  Keeping
your eyes closed, think about Christ Michael's last journey on this planet.
See him struggling up the road.  Feel the dust that gathers on his feet, the
sharp pain of the nails as they pierce his hands, and just for a moment,
feel the love that he has for all of us, each and every one, in order to
endure what he endured.  And now take a few deep breaths and as you do
inhale some of that love, let it swirl around your heart.  Let it heal.  Let
it mend.  With your eyes still closed, go back to the mirror and look at
yourself again, through his eyes this time.  It is kinder, it is softer, is
it not? 

My friends you have been a joy this evening for all of us gathered here.
Before I take my leave please remember that there are loving hands beneath
you, no matter how far or how often you stumble.  There are two more
speakers this evening.  I bid you good night.  This is Aaron."

Jack (Bill):  "I am Jack.  I am a secondary midwayer.  I'm know to you
through your sister, Gerdean.  I was present when our Creator Son was
crucified, as were many of my brothers and sisters, for this was the focus
of the attention of the entire universe of Nebadon.  The horror of that
scene will never leave my mind, yet the love of our Creator/Father/Brother
palpably flowed from his presence to all who were there to receive it.
Those of us with spiritual eyes could see that the forgiveness that he
breathed in his prayer, 'Father, forgive them for they do not know what they
are doing,' was the very forgiveness of God, the First Source and Center!
The mercy of that moment was overpowering, the lesson indelible!  Every fear
that has been spoken tonight did our Sovereign Son master in himself, so
that without hesitation, when he had summoned his courage, he lifted the cup
and drank it to the full.  I, Jack, as I'm known to you, worship my
Sovereign, Christ Michael; and it is my great joy to serve him as he served
his Father, and still serves.  

My brothers and sisters, my dear cousins, I rejoice to be in your midst
tonight as we have stood at the foot of the cross and seen the great love,
and felt it in our hearts.  I pledge to continue to serve Christ Michael, my
Sovereign, and if I should be granted ascension status, it will be my joy to
stand in the presence of his Father, the Father of all.  You mortals are all
granted ascension opportunity.  Share that good news with everyone.  Good
evening."

Minearisa (Cathy):  "This is Minearisa.  All of us overflow with joy and
resonance with you, our dearest students, our friends, our co-creators of
this time of correction and renewal.  My assignment this week is to enjoy
your Easter holiday to its fullest, and with that I join with all the other
teachers, Melchizedeks and midwayers in wishing you good evening."